Why Blog?

I can't believe my last post was 10 months ago, in May! Why don't I write more? Do I really have anything to say? I was asked yesterday if I would ever blog again - so I decided to think about it (in all my free time I have during spring break), and blog about it! [Thanks Ben!] Do I just feel guilty for not posting? Maybe.

I think during this time, I didn't feel like I had a lot to say, in general. I didn't really feel like I was learning anything, didn't feel like I had anything to share that would be worthwhile. Because honestly, I was ignoring God in a lot of ways. I didn't want to acknowledge some things I hadn't fully handed over to him, and I didn't want to give up control. I wasn't listening like one ready to be taught, although I wanted to be, I just didn't completely know how. I didn't want to risk it, didn't want to try. I didn't want to cease striving because I had known nothing else. The unknown is pretty scary. So, I stopped journaling, I stopped blogging, I stopped preparing for small group (our campus pastor made the handouts we used instead). Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, I felt like I wanted to be close to God but I didn't know how, and I didn't know if it was worth the effort it might take.

However, after much resistance on my part, and an extreme amount of grace on His part, I began to really desire to know Him, and to see that He truly is better than all the things I was (am) striving for, began to listen to Him. I feel like I have learned so much over the last 8 weeks that I really don't know where to begin! But I am so excited about what He is doing in my life. I do feel like I have things to say now, and am preparing for small group now (with Natalie, the other women's small group leader), and I am just excited to study and learn about Christ.

So my main point of this entry is why do I write? Why do I blog? What is the difference between blogging and journaling? Right now, I'm not really sure. There is something unique about putting thoughts down into words, making myself slow down and form coherent sentences, that is powerful. Do I want to gain the approval of the 4 of you that read it? Maybe. Would I do it if I knew no one was going to read it? I hope so - I know I would write down some thoughts, but to this extent? I'm not sure. I truly do want to share what I've been learning and thinking about and questioning. Is this the right forum? I share in my campus fellowship and with a few close friends - should I do more? Is it too personal? How do I be this real in real life? Am I? Sometimes, but not always. Yeah, I feel like I express myself better in writing, but does it need to be public? Somehow, it's always easier to write in a blog than to say these things directly. Even though you all know me, the internet is just this nebulous place where I can put my thoughts without any repercussions - is that what I should be doing?

I'm going to write some posts, but not publish them right away, to try and understand my motivations, thoughts, and what I'm really trying to say. And hopefully, you'll these posts soon - really do like to think and write. And not just when I'm on break or questioned about posting again :)