Procrastination? Distraction?

I'm trying to write a paper about how biomedicine (aka US medicine) and personalistic medicine (aka shaman healings) can benefit from each other. And I'm having the hardest time writing it. Because I would much rather be writing this, so I'm just going to write this and then turn back to the work. Maybe then I could focus on what the prompt asks me to write about, and not all these things that I want to include but that are not at all part of the paper.

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I want to write about how I see the world as spiritual. Not in the sense that everything is a god, but that God created everything. That mind, soul, heart, and strength are not separate from each other. I want to say that I believe in this type of medicine that may be classified as personalistic but what does that really matter anyway?

What I really want to talk about is how for me, faith and medicine are so deeply connected that I wonder if I should just go into 'ministry' and then I think, medicine is my ministry. People are searching for healing, and where better to find it than at your doctor's office? I just want to write that medicine is ministry and ministry is medicine and why is there a boundary? This true, deep healing is desperately lacking in our medical system which believes that everything must be based on what we can see. Do we really have any faith at all? Because everything that is seen was formed by a God who cannot be seen by this naked eye. But the Son expresses the very nature of God (Heb 1:3) - and when we look at Christ we see the Father (John 14:9). He is seen! I digress. But science and our culture has this idea that this physical world is all there is and with all my heart I have to disagree.

Because who says the supernatural, all-powerful God doesn't have complete control over this earth and everything in it? That disease and microbes are part of God's creation and yet at the same time can be used by the enemy to tempt us to doubt God's goodness. I am crying out to say that relationships are what matters more than the physical. To say that all of creation waits and groans because the relationship of all of humanity to God was irrevocably broken that day in the garden. That because of this we are broken people who hurt each other, who believe the lies about who we are, causing us to act out of self-love and not other-love. We are completely unworthy of approaching this perfect God and we know it. We know that this hurt and pain are not how it should be. Our souls are longing for something that can only be satisfied by this endless, infinite God and not with all these measurable, physical things that we can see.

I long to say that God is beauty, perfection, harmony, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, peace, love, joy, patience, gentleness, unity, trinity ... must I go on? These characteristics that we all seek and all deem as good (because we do have knowledge of good and evil) are found in this God. Who sends his Spirit to be in all of us! And by his Spirit we can love one another. And if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us (1 John 4:12), and Christ this unseen God is seen!

I want to say that you were created for more than this world. That the supernatural does exist and it is real and there is a war being waged for your soul. That even once you fight on God's side the war isn't yet over, and yet Christ has already triumphed over evil! That your God is fighting for you and sent the best weapon to take out the enemy by triumphing over death. I want to say that pills are not the answer and even if you have no physical pain, you cannot tell me you have no emotional pain. That on your best day there is still the question of is there more than this? What happens when all that you can tangibly want is yours? That living even one more second on earth will not take away your fear of death unless you trust that Christ has paid the price and you can have eternal life if you trust in him.

I want to say that the world does not need more medicine, what they need is more knowledge of Christ. And I plan to bring it by way of medicine. How do you classify that?

So, this week, this non-profit in Kansas that I really like, Hospitals of Hope, posted a job opening on Facebook. They are a really cool Christian medical relief organization, and work mainly in Latin and South America. Their work is really similar to that of Global Links, the non-profit I work at here. So, I checked out the job requirements, and since they didn't require any experience, I sent in my resume! I got an email back, asking me for an additional writing sample - a blog post trying to raise support for a relief organization providing relief to Japan.

As a result, I began to research different relief organizations. I wanted something that was Christian, and had medical aid programs, since these are things I am passionate about. Somehow, I came upon Samaritan's Purse, an organization similar to Compassion and World Vision, which donates aid and supplies in Jesus' name. I am also really excited about their medical aid opportunities - they send many medical missionaries, and you can donate directly to this medical aid or in support of the medical missionaries. In addition, they send people directly out of residency into the mission field for 2 years - fully supported! Even if I don't get this job (now or ever), I am super excited about finding this out about Samaritan's Purse!! And their 'gift catalog' is so cool too!

I also just wanted to share the sample blog post I submitted (and encourage you to donate to Samaritan's Purse Japan aid fund!):

Blog for Samaritan’s Purse Aid Relief for Japan

On March 3, 2011, Japan experienced a devastating 9.0 earthquake which subsequently caused a tsunami. To date, there are over 24,000 people dead or missing. In addition, hundreds of thousands of people were displaced from their homes Japanese officials are estimating the damages to be up to US $309 billion dollars. The need for aid is astounding.

Samaritan’s Purse is a US-based international relief organization which gives aid in the name of Jesus Christ. They provide emergency relief, medical aid, education, and development programs to countries all across the globe. They are striving to fulfill Jesus’ call about the Good Samaritan who had mercy on his neighbor and showed him compassion: “Go and do likewise” (Luke 10:37 NIV). They recently donated 93 tons of aid to Japan, which was distributed toward local churches there. Through this, Samaritan’s Purse has been able to share the Good News about Jesus Christ with many people in Japan, providing them with hope in His kingdom which will never be shaken (Isaiah 54:9-10, Hebrews 12:28).

Will you act like a neighbor to Japan, showing them love and compassion through aid in Jesus’ name? Will you pray with us that God would use this to bring people to himself and heal both their physical and spiritual needs? Will you partner with Samaritan’s Purse in the mission of spreading Christ’s name throughout the globe? Will you give to further His kingdom which will not be shaken? To donate, please visit:

https://www.samaritanspurse.org/index.php/Giving/Project_donations?pc=13953

Reading & Listening

What I'm browsing:

Because all life flames with God -- hands down my favorite author. Great blog.

Got Questions

Blue Letter Bible

Shannon Primicerio Blog

Science Daily

GE Healthy Imagination

You Version Online Bible

Organizations I care about:

Hospitals of Hope

Global Links

Christ Community Health

Compassion

AmeriCorps

What I'm Reading:

Radical by David Platt

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp

Believing God by Beth Moore

Hebrews (in small group)

What I'm Listening to:

Breakaway Podcasts by Ben Stuart -- love love love. I cannot recommend it enough.

Blessings by Laura

Audio Bible

may you be encouraged and challenged and inspired today :)

Starting Over ... Again

I'm not sure what the next year will hold. I mean, none of us can ever really be sure, but I've applied to a ton of different AmeriCorps positions across the US. They are kind of like the PeaceCorps, except in the US, so I'd be working at a nonprofit for a 1-year term. All the while, I'll be applying to medical schools, mostly in the east half of the US. While I'm excited about being done with school (for now), and about starting something new, at the same time I am terrified. I don't want to start over again. But I do - I'm excited for new experiences and challenges. But I don't want to have to make new friends again. And find another church. And learn a new town. Life at college has seemed so permanent because it is home and yet so temporary because each year, and even each semester brings different people, different classes, and a different living space. There are people who have graduated and moved on, but it feels like they were just here. Come May, I get to become one of those people yet again. But the strange thing is if I visit, the people won't just not be the same, they won't even be there. We'll be spread back across the states and beyond, going back to both new and old places. But I want to keep life just as it is. I don't want to have to go through all the effort it takes to become comfortable in a new place again. I know I have made lifelong friends, and that there is always the internet, but it wont feel the same. Again. And I'm scared of being alone in this great big world.

But I desperately want to trust in Christ's plan! Mercifully he calms my fears each day and reassures me that I just have to chase after Him. May I continually do so and follow His perfect lead.

Consider the Bonsai Trees

So, I was considering the hypothetical lilies at the botanical garden and they had an exhibit there featuring bonsai trees, and I found this sign interesting:

Bonsai: cultivating miniaturized trees to reflect the style of full-sized mature trees

- rigor and discipline in pruning & training to achieve overall vision

- the pot is chosen for the tree

In that moment I just saw myself as that tree. I may not be fully mature, but God has been shaping me and pruning me because he has this overall vision for my life. It does take discipline, and years, and requires training. But I'm in the environment that I'm in because it fits with the overall vision for my life. I'm here at CMU for a reason. I was born into this family for a reason. And it's all part of shaping me into who I'm meant to be.

Other thoughts:

The smooth, pretty rocks are the ones shaped by the waves.

Plants rely on photosynthetic energy from the light, and grow towards it.

My prayer - May I be growing towards the light, recognizable by my fruit, and reflecting my roots.

Why Blog?

I can't believe my last post was 10 months ago, in May! Why don't I write more? Do I really have anything to say? I was asked yesterday if I would ever blog again - so I decided to think about it (in all my free time I have during spring break), and blog about it! [Thanks Ben!] Do I just feel guilty for not posting? Maybe.

I think during this time, I didn't feel like I had a lot to say, in general. I didn't really feel like I was learning anything, didn't feel like I had anything to share that would be worthwhile. Because honestly, I was ignoring God in a lot of ways. I didn't want to acknowledge some things I hadn't fully handed over to him, and I didn't want to give up control. I wasn't listening like one ready to be taught, although I wanted to be, I just didn't completely know how. I didn't want to risk it, didn't want to try. I didn't want to cease striving because I had known nothing else. The unknown is pretty scary. So, I stopped journaling, I stopped blogging, I stopped preparing for small group (our campus pastor made the handouts we used instead). Suddenly, or maybe not so suddenly, I felt like I wanted to be close to God but I didn't know how, and I didn't know if it was worth the effort it might take.

However, after much resistance on my part, and an extreme amount of grace on His part, I began to really desire to know Him, and to see that He truly is better than all the things I was (am) striving for, began to listen to Him. I feel like I have learned so much over the last 8 weeks that I really don't know where to begin! But I am so excited about what He is doing in my life. I do feel like I have things to say now, and am preparing for small group now (with Natalie, the other women's small group leader), and I am just excited to study and learn about Christ.

So my main point of this entry is why do I write? Why do I blog? What is the difference between blogging and journaling? Right now, I'm not really sure. There is something unique about putting thoughts down into words, making myself slow down and form coherent sentences, that is powerful. Do I want to gain the approval of the 4 of you that read it? Maybe. Would I do it if I knew no one was going to read it? I hope so - I know I would write down some thoughts, but to this extent? I'm not sure. I truly do want to share what I've been learning and thinking about and questioning. Is this the right forum? I share in my campus fellowship and with a few close friends - should I do more? Is it too personal? How do I be this real in real life? Am I? Sometimes, but not always. Yeah, I feel like I express myself better in writing, but does it need to be public? Somehow, it's always easier to write in a blog than to say these things directly. Even though you all know me, the internet is just this nebulous place where I can put my thoughts without any repercussions - is that what I should be doing?

I'm going to write some posts, but not publish them right away, to try and understand my motivations, thoughts, and what I'm really trying to say. And hopefully, you'll these posts soon - really do like to think and write. And not just when I'm on break or questioned about posting again :)